Happy Halloween

I am alternately bored and procrastinating, while I bare my fangs out of the window to scare the evil spirits (who are no doubt hoping to have some good old fun) quivering and shitless. (Yeah, I have a bit of that in me. I believe in that delusion that I am too crabby for any spirit to try to haunt or terrify. They stand to gain nothing in trying or in doing, but they lose a lot of their credibility in trying or doing.) In the spirit of All Hallows Eve, I just wanted to share the seven majorly mortifying thoughts that have turned me into a right old mardy for the longest bleeding time. It might sound like a load of bollocks to anyone, but hey, I'm the jessie here. 1. I am mortified to have realized that I am no longer interested in trying to learn as much as I could. I am scared that somehow this will affect my future patients, in the sense that any other practitioner might be able to spot the problem in record time while I try to remember that tiny memory that contains a smidgen of recognition for whatever my patient complains of. I survived so much (until today) because I was such a nerd way back in high school. Maybe I have been too complacent, especially in college and more so in med school. Maybe I am bored, I find the pacing or the teaching style way out of sync, or I simply cannot accept the fact that passing most of the med school exams entails a lot of memorization without understanding. 2. I am mortified that I am no longer trying to keep myself in good health. It is a given that medical school students do not get enough sleep, yet I am not taking advantage of the sem break to catch up on some snooze time. I do not eat when I am hungry, yet I stuff myself full of empty calories or the wrong proportions of food groups simply because I am too tired or lazy to prepare a decent meal. The idea of going to the gym does not hold any appeal because I make a lot of excuses for not going. The prescription for my new eyeglasses had taken permanent residence inside my wallet since July, and has never seen daylight since. I do not even visit the dentist every three weeks like I did before, so now, the removal and transition to retainers has been delayed. Topping all these health sins off is my forgetting the proper schedule of immunizations. Demmit. 3. I am mortified to find that my recent entries here on LJ have been nothing more than terse phrases or rants. Nothing like the very first entries of the blog. Writing was one of my secret pleasures before, something that could give me immense happiness in a short span of time. My journal entries were highly treasured, for they held more than memories or emotions captured in words. These entries allowed me to see how I grew as a person, how my own views of the world had changed, how I was working towards my goal. As of late, my muse seems to have had the knickers in a knot, because I have leashed her to make way for things that now seem terribly unimportant. How did I let one part of my life enroach what I previously held so dear and high? 4. I am mortified to realize that I am crippled in the relationship department. Romantic interests are not quite my priority right now, because I am actively seeking for the tightest circle of friends I could have. I have lost touch with my bestest friend from elementary school. High school was pretty much spent in complete isolation. College was wonderful and colorful, however, no matter how much effort I put into keeping touch, I quite understand that my college friends are caught in the wonderfully woeful grind of academia too much to even reply at times. I really cannot trust my classmates here in med school; playing the part of a wallflower pretty much lets me see that they are not interested beyond the person who can do their presentations or tutor them in tough subjects. Even the guidance counselor in med admitted that most of the people here are cut-throat and ultimately user-friendly; in her own words, real and good friends are a rarity in the institution. Somehow being too independent or aloof has afforded me the seclusion I have loved so much, yet I feel I have traded in the joys of companionship for that. It does not quite help too that my parents are grappling with the idea of me already a young adult that they keep a too-tight leash on me (more like caging me in), which actually cannot allow me to go about building good relationships with ease. 5. I am mortified to find myself failing the very reasonable expectations I set for myself. Even if I can blame my horrible habit of procrastination stemming from my absurd perfectionist tendencies, the very reminders of my lack of responsibility in the achievement department irk me. Banging my head against any solid surface would not give me answers in any way, and most likely would leave me a mild concussion that may be enough to change my personality permanently. Maybe I failed to think of a back-up plan, too confident that things would fall exactly where I though they would. Staring back from the plate set before me is a jumble of broken dreams, nuggets of opportunity, slivers of reality that wound invisibly, morsels of hope, little heaps of regret, portions of truth and a smattering of memories. All that is left for me to do is to chew on the 'meal' and move according to what I can synthesize from them using what's left of my neurons that have seemed to be moving towards a gradual extinction as of late. 6. I am mortified to realize that I am second guessing every little thing I do. Admittedly, self-esteem was/is not one of my strongest points, as my life experiences so far can attest to, but I never found myself in a situation where self-doubt clouded every single decision I make. Making monumental mistakes or failing my expectations (see above) reduced me into a veritable coward. Never mind the thought that second-guessing is a protective mechanism being used by my over-deflated ego. There is such a thing called prudence that I have indeed learned to exercise (albeit a bit too liberally as of late) as I changed into a young adult, but second-guessing is entirely unhealthy and can never be described as a virtue. 7. I am mortified by the possibility that I am trying to live up to the expectations of the people around myself instead of dancing to my own tune. Anyone will surely hate being reduced to a puppet made to perform to please others. Anyone will truly hate trying to do what others would deem proper, when doing so actually grates against one's personal style. I am quite terrified that I am becoming a plaything. I am quite terrified of the possibility that I am being groomed to become part of a zombie-like herd (forgive me if this sounds way too paranoid) when I quite enjoy sticking out like an 'errant' (more like maverick) animal. Expectations from observers merely weaken or severely limit what anyone can accomplish through time, short term or long term if allowed to do so. (Don't get me wrong-I am in, and enjoying med school, but I feel hopelessly disappointed in the learning institution; I never realized until today that not sharing the views of the institution is so hard to live with.) So...there. Maybe working through these mortifying thoughts will help me overhaul my life right now, or even spark the change I think I desperately need. Happy Halloween, indeed.

Gay

Right. Brava, Ms. Rowling. I thought you'd never say that.

Whiff of Death

The preserved cadaver lies prone or supine on the black body bag on the cold metal table, helpless against the assault of my group's steel tools. We pray for the soul of the cadaver, make the incisions, remove the fascia and the fat, isolate the neurovascular structures, cut across muscles, point out tendons, and then we leave after cleaning up, sometimes forgetting to pray. All the time I am exposed to the indescribable smell of necrosis and of the menthol-smelling lachrymator that is formalin; somehow, in an utterly inexplicable way, I think I know the smell of death. Many people won't know that I somehow sense/see future events; it may sound freakish that these thoughts come to fruition without my interference. Two boats that sank, an airplane that crashed, a pregnancy, two deaths, and just recently a foreboding that another death will come along. The very thought sent shivers down my spine and has taken over my mind. The foreboding came when I was with the person, and I invariably caught a whiff of death in this person. I've tried to banish this thought from my mind, but knowing the habits of this person, I'd say an early grave wouldn't be too far behind. But I never wish this death to happen because that person is quite dear to me, and I could never will anything terrible happening to that person. Or maybe I've been spending too much time with the cadaver that the embalming chemicals are giving me hallucinations now.

Two Weeks Gone

It's almost been a month now since I've gone to medical school, and I still can't find the proper groove. It's as though everyone around me is working on their foxtrot while I'm dancing to an improvised jig. As my friend has put it, I'm in a double whammy of adjusting to medical school AND adjusting to a new learning institution. I sorely miss my former school, and I'm only realizing now that I've took all those liberties I exercised there for granted. I'm not too keen on being instantly attached to my new uni or to my classmates who went there for undergrad; it's just that we are too different as of the moment, and I don't really want to press it. I think I have certain expectations of the new uni that have yet to be met. I think it's like coming to Beauxbatons, from Hogwarts. I'm also adjusting to the fact that my family thinks that weeekends are free; I know they miss me somewhat, but I'll never be successful or I won't even survive school if they keep eating up my time. I miss my home truly, but I'm more pressed to do well in school right now. Two weeks of pure academia have gone by in a blur. I'm still waiting for that bus that will take me for the best ride of my life.

Tired but not Beaten

Another week is over and I'm thankful that all the stress is over for a bit. Thank God for my friends from UP who love me so much that they even dropped by the dorm to see how I was doing. Thank God for a mentor who always tries to boost my self-esteem. Thank God for friends who care enough to help me out when I need it most. Thank God for my home. Thank God for my relatives and upperclassmen friends who were kind enough to donate their medical books, seeing that I could not afford them. I'm still adjusting to a new campus and a new academic path, and it's taking quite a long time. Wish me luck.

Back to the Dorm

In a few minutes' time, I will be back at my dorm; it's about 20 kilometers away but it seems more like 20 million. (The rationale behind this being that I cannot take the 2-hour commute one way from the house to the campus, with four out of the five days of the school week starting at 7 AM.) It's going to be another week of no internet, 17-minute head-down reading sessions, dissections, butt-numbing lecture hours, and group discussions. I'm tired and harassed and irritated and feeling very irresponsible. I spent this weekend on a medical mission organized by the family from my father's side to commemorate the 10th death anniversary of my grandfather and the birth anniversary of my grandmother. I'll do a picture/narrative dump when I have time. Hope to hear from the people on my flist soon. :)

First Week in Med School

My first week of medical school was a complete emotional roller coaster. My feeling swung from excitement to apprehension to delight to sadness and every other emotion known to the human range or spectrum. I am still adjusting to living in a dorm again; I don't have the endurance for the two hour trips one way to or from school. I've taken my bedroom here at home for granted, that I missed the space and the privacy so much in the first two nights. I have a roommate who is four years younger, who is here in the metropolitan area for the first time, and is an undergraduate student. I don't have internet access there yet. I still haven't fixed up my closet, my kitchen cabinet, and my desk. I feel that my own space is so Spartan, and not as homey as I was used to. For the very first time in my life, I am so HOMESICK. I'm also adjusting to being a student in a Catholic school again. After eight years of 'hard core' secular education, I was shocked to see that we started and ended classes with a prayer. We also started the school year with a Mass. We would be celebrating days of obligation, feast days of saints, etcetera. It's not that I'm a nonpracticing Catholic; I do fulfill my obligations but it's just that I'm really not too keen on the Thomasian traditions of prayer as yet. The people I've met in my batch and in my section in medical school were surprisingly friendly and warm. I've already met some elementary school batchmates, Pisay dormmates, fellow UP Manila graduates, people new to Manila, Filipino-Americans, Americans, upperclassmen (like my surrogate brother who was the one to help me during the pinning ceremony), and professors who were my mom's high school batch mates. I'm quite happy that these people seem to be genuinely nice, but as always I do keep my guard up because I can never be too careful anyway and I still have to work as hard as the Hufflepuffs in medical school. The funniest thing happened during our 'freshmen' tour. The whole batch (530 of us all in all) were divided into teams of about twenty and we were guided around the building to get familiar with the rooms and offices. The teams were named after all the subjects in the Harry Potter canon, and I think that Professor Snape would be very proud to know that I belonged to Team Occlumency. Maybe it's a sign that I rid my mind of emotion, empty it...make it blank and calm, that I would be able to focus my energies on learning instead of agonizing over each and every single decision I've made. Right now, I'm failing at Occlumency. I still feel troubled that I chose to study in a Catholic university, that I am in a dorm, that I am in this place at this time. The prospect of behaving like this extremely prim and proper young woman twists my knickers so much; I find the all white uniform, particularly the pencil cut of the skirt, so difficult to deal with, after four years of civilian clothing in undergrad. I'm still learning how to walk in heels, when I'm the champion klutz; remember that I'm this person who usually makes a very close acquaintance with slippery stairs or sidewalks. I'm bothered by the thought of whether my academic training in this university will truly make me the best damn doctor that I can be. Oh yes, I have major self-esteem issues right now, and I can only blame myself right for choosing to wallow in misery for the moment. Despite the most worthy advice from the people who mattered most, and from the surprising words from an unexpected mentor, I am still coming to terms with my feelings of inadequacy or failure. Maybe I share Hermione Granger's boggart. Maybe I'm just adjusting or am feeling some culture shock that I never experienced before; I never felt this way in the transition from Catholic elementary school to a science high school or from a science high school to the state university. The only comfort I have is that I went to medical school because I wanted to, and not because I was pressured to do so. So, what am I doing on LJ on a Friday morning? My classes for today were cancelled and I went home last night for a family thing as well. I'm taking this sweet time to cherish the DSL connection, my familiar bed, the warm food, the laundry, and some rest. Come Monday morning, I'll have to take a deep breath and plunge head first into the start of formal classes for medicine. So for now...Occlumens!

Seven Days

A whole new chapter in my life begins in seven days.  It's a world of white, a world of dress codes, a world of intense study, a world of learning about the amazing machine that is the human body, a world of fulfillment.  I'm sure this new chapter will test my endurance, my faith, my willpower, and my intellect in so many ways; I'm sure that there will be times that I will want to chuck everything out of the window and that there will be times that I will feel invincible.

I am both excited and afraid; I feel so elated in making this huge step in making my dreams come true yet apprehensive of moving out of my comfort zone.  All I'm trying to think of at this moment is that this will be such a great adventure.  I am taking the first step of the infinite staircase that lies hidden still.  I am willing to be a beginner once more, to be able to learn new things and have a whole world open to me.  I am hoping this new chapter will enrich my life.

And in four years, I can officially add Doctor of Medicine to my name. =)

Can You Read It?

(image taken last 30 March 2007, during a lunch at a Chinese teahouse)


What do you see in my cup,
Professor Trelawney?

I have absolutely no idea about what the future has in store for me.

All I know is that I'm on my way to becoming the best dang doctor ever.

A year from now, I hopefully would have assimilated myself with my new school.

Five years from now, I want to pass the medical licensure exams with flying colors.

Ten years from now, I'd be specializing in whatever field I am drawn to.  Hopefully I'll be married and a mother by this time.

Twenty years from now, I'd be an established medical 'institution.'  I'd probably be volunteering for Medicins Sans Frontieres.

I want the future to be what I want it to be.  Of course, give and take some.  I just won't let other people or other things dictate what my life should be.

Inertia

Every body perseveres in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight ahead, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by forces impressed. -Sir Isaac Newton

I am tempted to say that I am living out my last good vacation before I go to med school.  I haven't necessarily devolved into a bum...yet.  I still do some chores around the house because the help is on vacation.  Otherwise, it's a never-ending cycle of Internet, TV, sleep, eat, bath.  I try to rationalize my overuse of the Internet through two reasons even though I'm getting cluster migraines from staring at the screen too long: unlimited DSL and by the time I go to med school, I won't be as active online.

But then again...I've become a classic couch potato.  I can't even force myself to get my grades and my diploma, because I hate going out of the house these days.  Inertia has taken hold of me and will be very hard to shake off.