Useless Anxiety

“I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then whenever doubt, anxiety, or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal and soon they'll forget my number.” - Edith Armstrong


I'm having one of those days that I'm feeling bummed and spent.  Blame it on my monthly or what, but I guess the biggest thing that's sapping me of energy is all this anxiety.  I typically tend to get it around the time when I'm shifting in to a new service (like now I'm finishing surgery and moving to otorhinolaryngology) and I don't have an inkling of what's going to happen next or what to expect or what to do. Typical of me to try and seek some semblance of control over events that I totally have no control over. So I spend my seconds, minutes, and hours thinking up a storm about all the worst case scenarios that MIGHT happen, and end up tired and depressed.  It's a habit I have to break soon if I'm ever going to keep my sanity as a physician-in-training.  I'm still on the way to telling myself firmly to stop worrying and let things be.  I have to have a little more faith that the universe won't be throwing disasters my way, and meekly surrender to Divine Providence.


Negativity out, positivity in. Om. Amen.

Slow Down, You Crazy Child

If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other? - God (err, as portrayed by Morgan Freeman) in Evan Almighty

This quote first came from a college friend who was among the pillars of strength I leaned on quite heavily as I began my journey to become a physician. Adjusting to the new uni, the new culture, the new people, the new system, and the new environment presented quite a challenge and became an additional source of stress on top of worries of the expenses my mum was suddenly incurring (after eight years on government scholarships) because of the shift from the state uni to a private uni. During one of our late night convos, my friend happily shared the quote above. At the time, I think I was too distracted by my moping around that I failed to see deeper into what was said; I merely thought it was a very beautiful and heartfelt expression of all things that had to do with God and human life. The powerful message struck home tonight and I just felt that all my prayers had been answered somewhat. I had always prayed for strength, courage, understanding, wisdom, and perseverance, and got frustrated because the prayers were seemingly answered in the opposite manner. Somehow, after getting frustrated day after day, I sort of gave up and took life's 'blows' as they came. I reasoned that there was no use fighting against them anymore, and merely waited for life to stop 'picking on me' even for just once. Somehow those 'blows' that I resented immensely became the opportunities for me to become stronger, braver, more understanding, wiser, and more enduring. An added grace was that everything seemed calmer. The greatest bonus for myself was that I found myself accomplishing things easier; perhaps I became more focused instead of remaining somewhat of a crazy child. For all these, I am thankful and I hope for the best for the next few years.







P.S. Cookies and props to anyone who can name the artist and the song from which I stole the title of this entry.


P.P.S. I've always thought that God would sound like Liam Neeson. Morgan Freeman does a pretty good job too. If God was a woman, I think she'd sound like Meryl Streep. :) (To which statement, my friend replies, "Duh, Liam Neeson is Aslan; Morgan Freeman is God," and to which I reply, "Aslan is sort of like the personification of God in the Chronicles of Narnia...so somewhat same, non?")

Goodbye 2007

This past year was mostly filled with too much of my whining.  Maybe my expectations were so high (from the intense experiences of 2006) and I just wouldn't move to reach my goals, that I wound up feeling like a loser in 2007.  I have a lot of excuses, but I know I can't blame them for what actually happened in my life.  It was the collective effect of bad decisions, pessimism, and out-of-place-perfectionism.  I've kept moaning about all the regrets I had/have, but then I never mustered enough self-discipline to bring about the changes I wanted.

Of course, I had some ups as well.  I graduated college.  I was able to drive a bit more.  Friends lent their hearts, time, and muscle to get me through very rough times as I started med school.  I slowly got the hang of surviving the new school.  I made new friends and found new role models.  I believed in the power of crushes.  I read Book Seven of Harry Potter.  I found myself able to hold on to money.  I managed to adapt.  I opened my eyes.  I find myself becoming more mature.  I see the emergence of character and conviction.  Maybe I have tons to be thankful for, but I'm too stubborn to recognize them as little miracles or blessings-in-disguise.

So no matter what the stars say, I vow to be braver, more caring, more dedicated, more disciplined, more loving, happier, more grateful, a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better member of the community, and a better child of God.  I know I can reach for even bigger things but I know I must work harder, play even harder, and enjoy and learn.

Happy New 2008.