Inertia

Every body perseveres in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight ahead, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by forces impressed. -Sir Isaac Newton

I am tempted to say that I am living out my last good vacation before I go to med school.  I haven't necessarily devolved into a bum...yet.  I still do some chores around the house because the help is on vacation.  Otherwise, it's a never-ending cycle of Internet, TV, sleep, eat, bath.  I try to rationalize my overuse of the Internet through two reasons even though I'm getting cluster migraines from staring at the screen too long: unlimited DSL and by the time I go to med school, I won't be as active online.

But then again...I've become a classic couch potato.  I can't even force myself to get my grades and my diploma, because I hate going out of the house these days.  Inertia has taken hold of me and will be very hard to shake off.

UP 98th Commencement Exercises

I finally am an official graduate of the University of the Philippines Manila, with a Bachelor's degree in Biochemistry.  Everything seemed so surreal, yet so beautiful.  The commencement exercises were a simple affair, just the way I liked it.

I left home by 6 AM, struggling with the choice of violating the dress code for black shoes.  I had on a very pretty dress that went well with my pewter pumps, but in the end, duty won out. I had thought that I was going to wear a black toga anyway, so everything would be fine.  I didn't go the full makeup and hair route; I let my hair dry in the car and pinned it with a simple clip later on, and I only dabbed a tiny smudge of lip gloss on my lips.  The only fancy things I had on were the heirloom pearl earrings and ring from my godmother, and the gold watch from my grandaunt.  I celebrated the occasion with jewelry, my friend would later say, instead of the usual pancake maquillage and ozone-destroying hairspray.  At least my pictures would be okay, I had hazarded, without having my face look kabuki-white or my head look like a poodle landed there.  I was thinking, maybe I would dress up when the time came that I would receive my degree as Doctor of Medicine; not that I wouldn't dress up because I didn't graduate with Latin honors or that I wasn't proud of my Biochemistry degree.  It just so happened that I found it quite an exaggeration had I gone the "traditional" (traditional meaning very common to Pinoy culture) route of heavy makeup, overdone hair, a dress looking like a wedding gown, droves of relatives present, and a photography overkill.  And hey, I graduated as a scholar of the Department of Science and Technology and as a best thesis awardee, anyway.

The ceremony was a very boring affair, with the processional and awarding of titles taking the most time.  Our college occupied half of the seats reserved for all the graduates, and I overheard a parent comment, "I fell asleep when they were conferring the degrees for the College of Arts and Sciences, and when I woke up later, they weren't finished!"  Most of us either snoozed, took pictures, or talked during the boring parts.  The only exciting part was being conferred with our degrees; at 0931H, the president of the UP System pronounced us as official graduates, and we joyfully transferred the tassels of our (falling) caps from the right to the left.

Photo "stolen" from the fabulous Carlo.  Notice his beautiful pout. 
That's Carlo, me and Hernie, with Mamu on the far left.

I immensely enjoyed the address of the speaker, Professor Ambeth Ocampo, who was able to make the speech fun and quite touching as well.  He talked about the human side of the national hero, who was a doctor; his medical mishaps, his humanitarian work, his death wish, and his personal escapades.  Who would have known that Rizal (as an opthalmologist) attended to his sister's childbirth, and would later write in his notes, "She lost so much blood, she would have died anyway?"  Who would have deduced that Rizal wrote much on the genito-urinary system of the human body, sketching more male parts than female parts?  Who would have known that Rizal experimented with surgeries that left patients, well, dead?  Who would have known that the "Rizal twist" was due to pure vanity, instead of medical reasons?  (Rizal was to be shot in the back, but chose to face the firing squad.  Many attribute it to valor, but it was really vanity on his part; he also specifically instructed the Spanish not to shoot his face.)  The medical graduates were not quite amused by the stories of Rizal's medical antics, but I think they missed the point that Rizal was, as the speaker emphasized, not afraid of failure.  The whole audience was rocking with laughter throughout the speech and this was so much better than the "speech" (more like political campaign) of the speaker in the college recognition program.

After going up the stage, I was surprised by being so warmly greeted by the multitude of professors, not only from my department.  My Chemistry professors, my History I professor, my Physics professors, my Comm II professor, my Biology professors, my Math professors, my Physical Education professor, professors who never became my instructors but became my friends, and even the staff of the college and the Learning Resource Center, were so generous with the handshakes and hugs...the gestures were so warm and loving.  I was very touched when they said, "You are one in a million, and we wish to have more students like you."  No academic honor would have surpassed those words, and for a moment, I thought tears would fall from my eyes.

The combination of threatening tears and hunger (I wasn't able to eat breakfast because of the rush to get to the venue on time) drove me to the loo, where I slyly ate two chocolate covered biscuits and wiped my eyes dry.  I dared not to eat before going up the stage to get my dummy diploma, because I was so afraid that chocolate would cover my teeth in the photographs that were to be taken.  After that quick snack, I went back to my chair and waited for the speech of the class valedictorian, only to be greeted by the chaos of graduates milling around, while the students from other colleges were still going up the stage.  My mum said it was a fitting comeback (though I was still annoyed by the show of bad behavior) to those graduates from the other colleges who were misbehaving while we were going up the stage.

Gerard's valedictory speech was short and quite beautiful, well-written and delivered in Tagalog.  He confided to me later that he struggled with it, being the Cebuano that he was, saying "Alam mo naman, Bisaya dako."  (You know that I am Bisaya.)  The speech was to be delivered in Filipino/Tagalog, because we were from the state university, and to do it in English was deemed unpatriotic.  He reminded us that we were the children of our Motherland, and that whether we meet our success here or abroad, we must always remain rooted to our country.  He encouraged us to give back to the institution that generously educated us, emphasizing that as Iskolars ng Bayan, we were educated through the blood, toil, sweat, and tears of the taxpayers of the land.

After the pledges of loyalty I couldn't quite pronounce clearly (sending me into silent gales of laughter) and the school hymn, I was free to go.  I returned my toga immediately, and set up to eat a late lunch with my parents at Sakae Sushi in MOA.  The food wasn't quite as spectacular as the last time we went, and we only finished off 24 plates of sushi, compared to 27 plates the last time.




I went to the University of Sto. Tomas next, to get my Hepatitis B booster shot.  All the nurses and technicians in the Health Service clinic were so curious about my outfit (and were so bored, as "business" was slow) and thus our conversation was as follows:

Attending Nurse (while preparing shot): Why are you dressed in those nice clothes?
Me: It's my graduation, Ma'am.
Nurse: Graduation?
X-ray Technician: From what school are you? (while examining rubber shoes brought by another colleague, for sale)
Me: UP, sir.
Nurse: Ah, what was your course?
Me: Biochemistry, ma'am.
X-ray Technician: Course?
Me: Biochemistry, sir.
*Nurse injects vaccine*
X-ray Technician: Oh, so that's why you're dressed like that.  Why didn't you treat your friends out to a party first?
Nurse: You're so hardworking dear.  Prioritizing your shot before your graduation party.
Me: Thank you, ma'am.
Nurse: (rubs my arm, places bandage over shot area) Let me sign your card.
Me: Okay.  (Leaves) Thank you.


That was the strangest conversation I had yesterday.  The vaccine didn't hurt, unlike the tetanus shot I got last Thursday.  Good thing she didn't inject it at the same spot as the tetanus shot.  Thirsty because of the heat, I went to McDonalds to indulge in a bubblegum float.


And then, we drove home.  Graduation done. =)



P.S. Graduation photo dump later.

CAS Recognition Program 2007

So, yeah, it was technically my college graduation awhile ago.

Vanity pushed me to get a morning work-out in the gym, and much to my surprise I wrung out a bucket of sweat from my very flabby self. I tried to punish myself with abdominal exercises but didn't push myself too hard, lest I get all sorts of cramps later on.

But I totally destroyed my workout by glutting myself with a meal from Kenny Rogers for lunch. My mom was totally concerned that I'd faint by midday if I foolishly tried to nab a bite at McDonalds for lunch. I think I pretty much stuffed my face with carbs right there.

Before the program started, the harrassed marshals were trying to get some semblance of order in our seating arrangements for the venue. Fat chance. Everyone was either too busy adjusting their outfits, talking to other people, or fanning themselves in the intense heat. We were wondering why the Little Theater (airconditioned and all) was not made the venue; they cited reasons of size but then again, the Little Theater holds almost as much as the GAB Roofdeck.

The real reason, probably, was that they were trying to solicit funds from the guest speaker, a senator who happened to proclaim himself as the "Father of Education." Big frigging deal, I told myself. He was the same senator who used registered mail (of course, using tax money) to send out "vote for me!" notices to students like myself who would be voting in the coming local elections. Like hell. His graduation address became like a campaign speech, and I immensely enjoyed zoning out during the program, trying to gauge when my soul would leave my body in the intense heat or how many calories might have been burned in that huge sauna of a venue. The valedictory address by the summa cum laude (my former blockmate who shifted to Biology) was more interesting to listen to, actually. I distinctly remember that the graduating class was so disappointed in the guest's promises of helping better the facilities--what use would we have for that, as we were graduating already?

But then again, I might have enjoyed myself so much. Point one, I was the only one wearing a very unique hablon sablay (sash) awhile ago. And it was a sablay for a Master's degree holder, and here I was, a Bachelor's degree holder. Teehee. Point two, I was the only one wearing a burgundy and black lace dress in a sea of frothy ecru and white; not my fault that it was the only semi-formal thing in my closet and that I wasn't able to attend the orientation for the ceremonies. They should probably thank their lucky stars I didn't go commando in the heat. Point three, I so many hugs and kisses and handshakes from faculty AND staff awhile ago. Who would have thought that former professors, maintenance staff, administration clerks, and friends from other courses would greet me familiarly? Point four, I got the "cute" award for my very concisely-titled-but-hard-to-pronouce-high-fallutin' thesis.

But I digress in enjoying myself too much.

Oh yeah, we were reminded that we should make our institution proud, and that we should remain patriotic, and that we should be loyal alumni. This actually translates to: work your asses off to prove you're a graduate from UP, please don't leave the country for greener pastures, and please donate to the school. Intelligent people truly create great euphemisms.

Last little tidbit: I found out I never memorized the UP Naming Mahal (the school hymn.) My bad.

P.S. Picture dump later.

Jittery Much?

First, I'd like to congratulate my friends and high school batchmates who have already graduated from UP Diliman awhile ago.  Cheers to you, guys!

Next, I'd like to thank Ate Tala and Tita Rose for lending me their sablays.  Now I get to choose between the two.  Or maybe I can go naked save for the sablay, but then again people will be emotionally scarred for life if they see me in my birthday suit.  No, I can't rationalize that I'm trying to imitate the Oblation statue or the Lady Med statue.  Far out.  But I do hope my college realizes that it is impractical to find a formal dress that's not sleeveless or strapless AND a formal dress that won't have me fainting in the heat.  Hello, GAB roofdeck for the CAS Recognition Program?  One to five in the sweltering afternoon?  Good luck to us...

Then, I'm all jittery.  And weirded out.  Because our University graduation is at the PICC at seven in the morning.  Because there is a freaking dress code.  Because the toga and the mortarboard suck big time.  Because I want to celebrate my graduation and my birthday, but really can't.  Because I'm going back to my new school on Tuesday to get that Hepatitis B booster shot and to meet the family of my new roommate.  Because my family's taking very special care of me, lest I fall into some sort of misfortune that is attracted by my present status as a graduating student; it's a sort of a superstitious belief that when you're graduating/about to get married/starting something new, bad luck tends to follow you around.

Last, I'm starting to get nostalgic.  I'm leaving the state university for now.  I came in expecting a degree and somehow came out with a life. 

Burnout

I think I'm beginning to understand what had me all worked up these past few years. I'm simply experiencing a burnout coupled with a great deal of disappointment in the learning institutions here.

Let them say that it's all in my head, but let them try walking in my shoes for just one second, and they would wish they could eat their words. Long term exhaustion? Check. Diminished interest? Check. Reduced sense of personal accomplishment? Check. Maybe, I have just had too much of this thing for so long and my mind was not mature enough to cope with all of it.

Goodness. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Please God, just let me graduate already. I'm fed up, plain and simple.

Relativity

I might not be able to comprehend the things that are happening in my life right now, but I welcome the changes that are happening even if they mean that I have to step out of my safe cocoon. And there is a high probability that I will never really understand all of these because I see the picture from the unique POV of my two-decade old self; maybe I lack the wisdom or insight borne out of spending a greater number of years on this earth.

I've realized that adulthood entails a lot of responsibility, patience, and grit. That is, compared to infants, children, and geriatric denizens.

I've realized that all adults make mistakes; they make decisions with dire consequences knowingly or blindly. I hazard that the consequences may make a dent in their lives, but the gravity of such consequence can never be seen as equal for all because all of us are blind to our own characters, whether we like it or not.

I've realized the power of paradigm and being able to see things from another perspective. And it's so amusing to see adults with some semblance of authority over myself become like amateur actors in a poorly-directed play with scripts in different vernaculars.

I've realized that we probably are self-centered in a way because of self-preservation.

Our sight is among the most amazing things in life. It is so complex and so important, yet is so easily colored or turned.

Happily Tired

I'm still doozy from a marked lack of sleep. I surprised myself by not sleeping for a recent personal record of 34 hours; I was kept happily busy entertaining the people or making sure everything else was in order. (Thirty four hours is measly compared to what others can do, but it's a good record for me because I've been sleeping almost nine hours daily in the recent months.) I hope they had fun, even if it wasn't really the grandest of all homes or celebrations. Now, I'm happily tired.

I should also give myself a good-sized knock on the head for driving my mom to the mall to shop for gifts today; I was still a bit sleepy so it would have been dangerous for a bit, but all the pesky drivers and pedestrians woke me up enough to engage in a bit of a road rage. I'm past my teens already, but I still take risks. What the hell. The rewards were greater this time. I also believe I still possess enough sense to know when I can or cannot drive.

Nearing The End

Death always makes its presence known in my life. Not particularly being morbid though, as it isn't the physical death that many fear. So many characters, so many things, so many relationships, so many feelings and so many experiences die as I journey through.

I should be grateful that I find myself renewed eventually because something in my life meets its end and is replaced by something new or better. It's just that I'm probably too young to know that I should cherish such new beginnings or numerous second chances.

It's the end of yet another year, nearly the end of another chapter in my life. I'm so terribly unsure, increasingly pessimistic, and greatly confused. I'm probably young and jaded (or probably just more subdued with age) that I'm quietly letting all the new things come to me, instead of fiercely meeting them head on as I did before. I'm afraid that I might have lost courage in reaching out, choosing to remain in my comfort zone, that I might forget to live. Is this a quarter life crisis, early on?

It seems that what the world sees is at odds with what my soul sees.

Hello and Goodbye

I felt your hand brush over my forehead and I was jolted awake. 

It was half past three and I suddenly realized you were saying goodbye.

I did not cry and I did not scream, for I somehow knew all along that you were going to a better place, where there would be no more pain.

I cherish all of the memories I have of you. 

I remember how you cooked my favorite ginataan when we were moving to a new home. You made sure that Sunday lunches included my favorite alimasag, no matter how difficult to procure. I remember the best hunger-busting stews you made; nothing can ever compare to your kare-kare, mole, batchoy, and molo soup.

I can still smell the Jean Naté and White Flower you so frequently used. I laugh now as I remember my young eyes widen at the sight of your precious bottles of perfume all lined up like beautiful glass sculptures in your bath.

The most precious memories that I have of you was when you would indulge my love of roses--showing me your rosary of rose petals and rose wood, and gifting me with tea roses and rose shrubs. 

I do not know if you were aware that as you were leaving this world, I had annointed your forehead and hands with rose oil. I do know that you recognized my voice when I was whispering to your ear for the last time. We gave the nurse quite a surprise, didn't we?

Has he taken you to your second honeymoon now? :)

I love you, and I will miss you. Thank you for being part of my life.

One Day I'll Fly Away

Let me fly to the moon and bask in the glory of nothingness.
For the soul seeks solitude, and the heart wishes to be free.

And then let me fall back to the arms of the earth
Serene, sated, and wholly soothed.